Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
