The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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