you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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