if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
