The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
