did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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