You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
