My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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