The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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