Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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