better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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