Can i not drive my cunt home
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
