I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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