evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
