You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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