Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
do nipples grow back?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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