i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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