You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
