Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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