The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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