how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
