Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
