All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
jump out the window naked night went bad
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
