you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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