my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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