I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
not ubering you a puppy
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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