I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
