That reminds me...we need to get swords
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
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Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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