if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
