And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Never joke about your clitoris.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize