Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
