I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
