Where is the hickey?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
