drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
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Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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