her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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