i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
