I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
