maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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