Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
