I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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