So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
