Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
