im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
