I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
