I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
