I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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