Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
