I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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