Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
