Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
