my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
