My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
