i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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