dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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