Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Less talking, more tequila
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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