is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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