I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
