Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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