Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
