My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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