Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
