my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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