id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
