like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
