Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
